Autism and the “uncanny valley effect”

What is the “uncanny valley effect”?

As an AuDHD therapist working with ADHDers and autistics, this is something I notice can happen in our relationships, particularly as autistic people. Here’s my personal experience of a phenomenon called the “uncanny valley effect”.

To understand this concept, picture a lifelike robot or animation. Here’s how people usually perceive the robot: rather than seeing it as *a robot doing a passable job of acting like a human*, they see it instead as *a human doing a poor performance of a typical human*.

As a result, people experienced the robot to be disconcerting, creepy or deceiving. This points to how it actually has little to do with the robot itself, and everything to do with people’s perception of the robot.

As people get to know me, what I’ve noticed is that many start out perceiving me as really “cool” and are eager to regularly hang out. Over time though, they notice things about me that I imagine they deem as “weird” or maybe even “wrong”, and I think their own shift in perception catches them off guard.

These relationships often end, and like clockwork, in two very particular ways: either in an abrupt disagreement or miscommunication, or silently through them ghosting me.

When we take the uncanny valley effect and recontextualise it within autism, it can explain how non-autistic people may judge an autistic person’s “performance as a neurotypical human” to be very poor, and through this (mis)perception, they end up experiencing similar disconcerting feelings about autistic people that the test participants did with the robot.

I think the first impression people have of me is that I’m passionate, enthusiastic, engaging in 1:1 conversations, and insightful on the topics I know a lot about. In the early days of getting to know people I think I pass the “test” of appearing neurotypical.

Then, over time, I start to fail that image. I notice that people may begin feeling a sense of disappointment or betrayal as a result of perceiving me in this way. It’s not that I suddenly change on them... I think their surprise comes from how I actually don’t change.

I suspect that part of what happens is people realise I don’t live a very diverse life. They may presume that, as they spend more time with me, they’ll get a window into the variety of interests, hobbies and personal qualities I have.

The reality is, I’m really not interested in much other than my work. I made my special interest my profession and am very happy living what others often deem to be a narrow, “tunnel vision” life.

It seems hard for people to believe that what they see is what they get. I tell them I don’t really like holidays, travel, festivals or parties. I eat the same 5 foods on repeat day in day out. I’m not really interested in going to new places, talking about new topics or trying new things. Sometimes people even insist that there’s got to be more to the picture, “no, but really, what do you like to do outside of work?”

The best friendships I’ve had (and continue to) are those where people appreciate getting to know me in depth, not breadth. That’s the style of progressing a connection that works for me that I don’t merely value, but it seems to be the only way I function relationally. It’s not about doing more or seeing more. I get so much joy and meaning from continuing with “the same” but diving into greater depth and detail.

If you’re wanting to make sense of your autism, you’re welcome to book in for a free 15-minute call to see how therapy might support you.