Dating after your ADHD or autism diagnosis
Late-diagnosed ADHD or autistic? Here’s how your dating life may change.
As you begin to make sense of your diagnosis (or self-identification) here are 4 potential changes you may face:
1. The pool of people available to you may become smaller
Seeing yourself afresh through the new lens of autism or ADHD (whether recently diagnosed or self-identifying), having new language to describe yourself and growing to understand yourself more and more it’ll likely narrow down what kind of person you partner with. You’ll likely realise you want different things from your relationships. The sort of people you’re attracted to may also change. Perhaps you’ll feel all of a sudden like you have permission to be more intentional about what you will and won’t settle for.
2. Date options may become limited
Particularly if autistic, in the past you may have been able to go to loud, brightly-lit, busy venues on dates and be willing to try new places. Perhaps you’ve since realised that going to trialled and tested places makes you feel more comfortable - where you can order the same drink, know roughly what the volume levels will be and that you won’t have to work out the layout of the venue on the fly.
3. You may find that you suddenly have no patience for the “rules” of dating
Unspoken conventions around what you can and can’t say or ask may suddenly seem really silly, even suffocating. Maybe you used to find it easy enough to go along with convention, but now it’s suddenly harder or you have less interest in it. You may also find that things you used to like and enjoy don’t feel the same anymore, maybe realising that there was an element of doing those things purely to fit in and belong.
4. What you’re looking for may completely change
Whether in the past you saw people casually, rushed into relationships or tried searching for “the one”, you may find that what you’re looking for completely swings in another direction. Why? Because you get more honest with yourself about who you are, what’s compatible and what aligns for where you’re at in that chapter of your life.
How therapy might help
I work with many late-diagnosed, high-masking ADHD and autistic individuals and couples, helping them make sense of their neurodivergent experience and identity. Whether single, dating, married, in a short or long-term relationship, it can be helpful to talk through your experience with a neuro-affirming therapist. If you’re interested in therapy, you’re welcome to book a 15-minute call to see how I might be able to help.
