Self-regulation and dating for neurodivergent people
Dating culture can be a challenge for some neurodivergent people.
As a neurodivergent person, here’s what I’ve worked out along the way personally helps me feel less stressed, inauthentic and exhausted from dating. A lot of it comes down to simply honouring my neurodivergence.
I establish what I feel are the essential need-to-know’s before meeting someone off an app
For one, it establishes whether it’s a date really worth going on. What are you both looking for? Are you seemingly compatible on just enough things?
Secondly, “seeing where things go” is my idea of a nightmare. YES, that IS what we have to accept and embark on in all relationships, friendships included, but knowing *just enough* about the things that count in advance of meeting a total stranger can create safety and ease.
I take breaks
I go to the bathroom or outside once or twice and consciously use that time to reflect. Do I genuinely like this person so far? How have I felt about the way they talk to me and about various subjects? Am I enjoying getting to know them?
I find it hard to be in the moment with someone AND process how I ACTUALLY feel at the same time – so taking pauses help.
I script responses to predictable and generic things people often say to me on dates
You have no idea how sick I am of hearing people say word-for-word the SAME things which often are to do with my line of work.
I used to get so annoyed and became disproportionately emotionally heightened. So, I scripted a single response I would use on those occasions. It meant while the pre-planned words came out of my mouth, I could focus more on regulating myself – and giving the person benefit of the doubt rather than being quick to rule them out.
I pre-set boundaries WITH MYSELF
What did I have capacity for that evening? That week? That month? Rather than getting swept up in any “heat of the moments” and having to think on my feet, I would have already set boundaries with myself around what I would and would not do on the date – and as a result I felt I could enjoy myself more.
If you’re wanting to find greater ease, joy and authenticity in dating, you’re welcome to book a 15-minute call with me to see how therapy might be able to help.
